The father of two brothers

This is something I have been focusing on to avoid the deep pit of depression I am slipping into. The love of the Father is amazing to me. I did not earn it, can not maintain it, cannot increase it. I cannot do anything with it but try to accept it. Some days I still run from Him as I cry "unclean", but some days I accept it. I pray to someday embrace and enjoy it. I will be empty and prone to depression until I do. Please pray for me in this area.
These are my thoughts submitted for your consideration with hopes that you can find encouragement as I do in the knowledge of the Father's true love. It is a love that is not only unconditional it is offered freely with no expectations or requirements.

My mind has been quite distracted these last few weeks – I feel and know that a bout of depression is upon me once again. And once again I see the mistakes I have made over the last few weeks that have led me to this place. I so wish that I could not make the choices that lead me here – I still have so far to go!!! I still do the things I hate (find companionship and hope outside of God) and struggle to do the things I desire (seek God and embrace Him fully).

The story of the prodigal son has been heavy on me. Not so much that I am a prodigal son, which I will detail in this episode, but on love of the Father. It is this story that I have been holding onto the last few weeks. I would like to “put to paper” some of my thoughts. As always feel free to correct me or to expound on some thoughts I am having.
A look at the three characters:
The younger son : This is the one we most quickly identify with as we look at our own lives. From the details we read into the parable this was no poor family – most likely a well off family. Servants, rings, robes, fat calves. So I see a young son who for some reason not detailed in this parable, and thus unimportant (and probably harmful for us to know as we would exclude ourselves if our life issues are different), has come to a self centered choice. We usually assume he was a greedy spoiled son, but this does not necessarily fit into the reality of the culture and family structure of the times. So I choose to offer understanding and say “It happens to us all.”
In reading articles on Jewish traditions the inheritance could be given at any time, but the requirement was that the heirs would then provide the care of the father. So not only did this son choose to spend his money on sin, he also made a conscience choice to abandon his Father’s future needs. A look into his sins reveals that his choice of prostitutes and “riotous living” also declares his lack of respect for the family and the honor of the father. And of course his occupation becomes “pig slopper” and we know the significance of caring for an animal that was unclean to the highest level. Kind of like “The sin of all sins.” The one we will never stoop to. And not only does he do this we first see that he “joins” himself to a man of that country. I see this as the time when he gives himself over to his new lifestyle and the consequences of his actions. At the lowest possible place we find in this younger son’s life we see him starving (willing to eat the pigs food) he sees that he would be better off if his father would allow him to become a servant. As I look at this thought I see an understanding of the son’s sense of the father’s heart. He believed that the father would offer him a place as a servant if he would humble himself and of course offer the right confession. So he heads home, not so much out of repentance from sins, but out of desperation. As I meditate on this story I see the younger son as a “fallen” brother – the one who is truly overtaken by sin.

The elder son: This is the guy who believes that he is keeping the faith, fighting the good fight, running the race with patience, etc…. This son received his portion and stayed. So we assume that he had a good heart – a heart that respected and loved the father. A son who sacrificed his own desires (all humans have aspirations and desires) and stayed by the stuff. Got the blessing and went back to the fields. (I am not trying to judge this brother just look at his heart and see how much I used to be JUST like him.) However the parable reveals sin in this “good” son’s heart. His sin is as evil as the younger son’s and just as common. What is this evil that compares to having sex with prostitutes and running away from obligations?? Hate and disrespect. The older had hatred in his heart for his younger brother. We do not see even glimmer of concern for his brother or rejoicing that he had returned home. We see anger at what the son had done. No understanding, no sympathy, and most certainly no empathy. The sin runs deep – we see jealously and anger for what the younger received after sin that the older never received during obedience. W see a flat out refusal to rejoice when the younger came home. Even with hate and anger he is not done sinning yet – he dishonors the father by refusing to go into the party. The father was forced to go to him and reason with him during his sin. This older son reminds me of Christians who refuse to see their own sin and refuse to rejoice when the overtaken return home. The modern day “good Christian”.

The Father: Now this is the guy I am trying to focus on during my healing. This is the purpose of my writing – an exploration into the heart of the Father. I deal with being a prodigal, fear the elder, but desire to be received by the father. This is an amazing man. When asked by the younger son for his portion the father simply gives it – all he had coming. He does not ask why, negotiate, and certainly does not remind him of his obligations as a member of the family and heir. Not a sermon or lecture at all during any conversation between the younger son and the father. I believe that if there was one we would have a record of it. Even a plea or warning is not recorded. Do you see it with me?? The focus was not on the demands of the law or expectations of the father, but in the return of the son. Sometimes the father knows and allows what we need to empty ourselves and grow. He gives the inheritance and waits. The father would have known the heart of the son and knew what was going to happen with the money – he knew the sins before they were committed. He just did not focus on them. He even referred to the younger as the one who had been dead. He knew, but love did not rebuke - it received. Where did the father wait?? We do not really know, but we know the he positioned himself to see the return. Now this next thought is simply something I hold onto: It is the image of the cross on the hill – positioned high above everything else. Some would say (and probably historically accurate) that the position was to allow the condemned to be seen. But I see the position as the place where the Christ could see those he was redeeming. From that vantage He could see me. Back to the father… His next move is amazing – he hiked up his robes and ran to his son. Does this seem the appropriate action of a father who had been "abandoned" and who watched the "family name" he had worked hard to build and /or preserve shamed by a lust filled man - his son?? And this further amazes me: He did not wait for the confession, he did not wait to see why the son came – he saw him coming and he ran falling on his son’s neck with a full embrace of love and acceptance. All that mattered had just happened – the son came home – the one that was dead was now alive. The other place we see this phrase is with Joseph and his brother’s. We do not see in the father what we expect from one another and believe that God requires before he will embrace us as His children. The father does not say " So you have returned - are you ready to confess your sins against the family and me?" We do not see an inkling of hesitation in the father - -no proving time, no "I'll have to talk to the family about this.". The son’s confession was lost in the joy of the father. Was it even needed?? I say not for the father, just for the son to empty himself. The father’s decision was made in love – he was just waiting on the son to come and receive it. The reception was occurring either way, now the son could enjoy it. The father knew the son's heart because the son did return. It is not in the "staying in obedience" but in the return of the heart. I do not believe the son's heart ever left the father - he would not have returned home if it had. He was a wild one, but a good one. The father threw a party but never lost focus on the other son – the “good” one. He went to that one also and compelled him to enter. He agreed with the elder son that he had been faithful, but still desired the son to demonstrate the greatest obedience to the family - love. He focused on the positive and tried to pass the excitement on. The father focused on the reality, not the past - The one who was dead was alive and at home! I see a father who is no respector of person's: He offered the same to both – all of himself.