The simplicity of the experience

Last night Pastor Charles taught the third reality of Experiencing God in the evening service. It was so awesome because the morning service was focused on spiritual maturity, and the over whelming lack of it.
The key to growth is exposure to God.
This is what God said to me:
"Not in simple bible reading, robot service, or rote prayers will you find me. Just in the simple exposure to Me."
Does that phrase sound as odd to you as it once did to me – Just in the simple exposure to God Now please do not get me wrong – I am not trying to say or even imply that encounters with God are small things. They really are God sized. I believe that they are all God sized.


A major teaching that God has been working into my life is that I have overcomplicated my relationship with Him. Paul speaks of the simplicity of the Gospel. It is not tough. The relationship that ensues should be no tougher. Galatians 2:20, 21 have become something very special to me. I am focused on these verses because within them are two of the keys that I missed.
1. The power to live is based on the Faith of the Son of God. I am coming to understand that my union with Christ is so strong that it is HIS faith that provides all things – not simply my faith IN Him.
One evening a few months back as I was pouring my fears out to Patrick Estrada and sharing with him my lack of faith in God to still care about me and have plans for me; Patrick physically came along beside me and told me that it was ok because he would stand in the gap that I felt. That is a brother. God used that to encourage me – it was a building block to a greater truth that I lacked maturity to live in.
Here is that greater truth: There is no gap.
Intellectually I knew that, but experientially I am just now coming into. The major obstacle was shame. I always told myself that I was stronger than this sin, and better than that attitude. Perhaps you can identify with that. My continual failure brought deeper shame. It was a never ending cycle. Notice I said that it was. Past tense was. The sin was repented of in late January; the shame lingered with amazing power. Shame caused me to believe that Jesus had lost faith in me. And the lion devoured my bowels.

2. In verse 21 Paul says “I do not frustrate the grace of God…”
God says to me “Shane, do not complicate and twist up my simple grace.” I had spent an entire decade not relying on the faith of the Son of God. 10 years tying myself and my relationship with God into knots of shame, helplessness, despair, and sin. Knots tied with extreme self effort tied from behind a mask.

Here is my conclusion: The key to victory is exposure to God in all humility and need; accepting His Faith in my place, and allowing Him to untie the knots of our relationship. And it will not take Him long – He knew every one I would tie.

As I wrote that conclusion I thought of this – Sure does sound a lot like the first three weeks of Celebrate Recovery.

My encouragement to you as you read this: God does provide all you need to recover from your addictions and hurts.


Rom 5:9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
Rom 5:10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
Rom 5:11 And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.
Rom 5:12 Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:
Rom 5:13 (For until the law sin was in the world: but sin is not imputed when there is no law.
Rom 5:14 Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come.
Rom 5:15 But not as the offense, so also is the free gift. For if through the offense of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many.
Rom 5:16 And not as it was by one that sinned, so is the gift: for the judgment was by one to condemnation, but the free gift is of many offenses unto justification.
Rom 5:17 For if by one man's offense death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.)
Rom 5:18 Therefore as by the offense of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation; even so by the righteousness of one the free gift came upon all men unto justification of life.
Rom 5:19 For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.
Rom 5:20 Moreover the law entered, that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound:
Rom 5:21 That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord.

The father of two brothers

This is something I have been focusing on to avoid the deep pit of depression I am slipping into. The love of the Father is amazing to me. I did not earn it, can not maintain it, cannot increase it. I cannot do anything with it but try to accept it. Some days I still run from Him as I cry "unclean", but some days I accept it. I pray to someday embrace and enjoy it. I will be empty and prone to depression until I do. Please pray for me in this area.
These are my thoughts submitted for your consideration with hopes that you can find encouragement as I do in the knowledge of the Father's true love. It is a love that is not only unconditional it is offered freely with no expectations or requirements.

My mind has been quite distracted these last few weeks – I feel and know that a bout of depression is upon me once again. And once again I see the mistakes I have made over the last few weeks that have led me to this place. I so wish that I could not make the choices that lead me here – I still have so far to go!!! I still do the things I hate (find companionship and hope outside of God) and struggle to do the things I desire (seek God and embrace Him fully).

The story of the prodigal son has been heavy on me. Not so much that I am a prodigal son, which I will detail in this episode, but on love of the Father. It is this story that I have been holding onto the last few weeks. I would like to “put to paper” some of my thoughts. As always feel free to correct me or to expound on some thoughts I am having.
A look at the three characters:
The younger son : This is the one we most quickly identify with as we look at our own lives. From the details we read into the parable this was no poor family – most likely a well off family. Servants, rings, robes, fat calves. So I see a young son who for some reason not detailed in this parable, and thus unimportant (and probably harmful for us to know as we would exclude ourselves if our life issues are different), has come to a self centered choice. We usually assume he was a greedy spoiled son, but this does not necessarily fit into the reality of the culture and family structure of the times. So I choose to offer understanding and say “It happens to us all.”
In reading articles on Jewish traditions the inheritance could be given at any time, but the requirement was that the heirs would then provide the care of the father. So not only did this son choose to spend his money on sin, he also made a conscience choice to abandon his Father’s future needs. A look into his sins reveals that his choice of prostitutes and “riotous living” also declares his lack of respect for the family and the honor of the father. And of course his occupation becomes “pig slopper” and we know the significance of caring for an animal that was unclean to the highest level. Kind of like “The sin of all sins.” The one we will never stoop to. And not only does he do this we first see that he “joins” himself to a man of that country. I see this as the time when he gives himself over to his new lifestyle and the consequences of his actions. At the lowest possible place we find in this younger son’s life we see him starving (willing to eat the pigs food) he sees that he would be better off if his father would allow him to become a servant. As I look at this thought I see an understanding of the son’s sense of the father’s heart. He believed that the father would offer him a place as a servant if he would humble himself and of course offer the right confession. So he heads home, not so much out of repentance from sins, but out of desperation. As I meditate on this story I see the younger son as a “fallen” brother – the one who is truly overtaken by sin.

The elder son: This is the guy who believes that he is keeping the faith, fighting the good fight, running the race with patience, etc…. This son received his portion and stayed. So we assume that he had a good heart – a heart that respected and loved the father. A son who sacrificed his own desires (all humans have aspirations and desires) and stayed by the stuff. Got the blessing and went back to the fields. (I am not trying to judge this brother just look at his heart and see how much I used to be JUST like him.) However the parable reveals sin in this “good” son’s heart. His sin is as evil as the younger son’s and just as common. What is this evil that compares to having sex with prostitutes and running away from obligations?? Hate and disrespect. The older had hatred in his heart for his younger brother. We do not see even glimmer of concern for his brother or rejoicing that he had returned home. We see anger at what the son had done. No understanding, no sympathy, and most certainly no empathy. The sin runs deep – we see jealously and anger for what the younger received after sin that the older never received during obedience. W see a flat out refusal to rejoice when the younger came home. Even with hate and anger he is not done sinning yet – he dishonors the father by refusing to go into the party. The father was forced to go to him and reason with him during his sin. This older son reminds me of Christians who refuse to see their own sin and refuse to rejoice when the overtaken return home. The modern day “good Christian”.

The Father: Now this is the guy I am trying to focus on during my healing. This is the purpose of my writing – an exploration into the heart of the Father. I deal with being a prodigal, fear the elder, but desire to be received by the father. This is an amazing man. When asked by the younger son for his portion the father simply gives it – all he had coming. He does not ask why, negotiate, and certainly does not remind him of his obligations as a member of the family and heir. Not a sermon or lecture at all during any conversation between the younger son and the father. I believe that if there was one we would have a record of it. Even a plea or warning is not recorded. Do you see it with me?? The focus was not on the demands of the law or expectations of the father, but in the return of the son. Sometimes the father knows and allows what we need to empty ourselves and grow. He gives the inheritance and waits. The father would have known the heart of the son and knew what was going to happen with the money – he knew the sins before they were committed. He just did not focus on them. He even referred to the younger as the one who had been dead. He knew, but love did not rebuke - it received. Where did the father wait?? We do not really know, but we know the he positioned himself to see the return. Now this next thought is simply something I hold onto: It is the image of the cross on the hill – positioned high above everything else. Some would say (and probably historically accurate) that the position was to allow the condemned to be seen. But I see the position as the place where the Christ could see those he was redeeming. From that vantage He could see me. Back to the father… His next move is amazing – he hiked up his robes and ran to his son. Does this seem the appropriate action of a father who had been "abandoned" and who watched the "family name" he had worked hard to build and /or preserve shamed by a lust filled man - his son?? And this further amazes me: He did not wait for the confession, he did not wait to see why the son came – he saw him coming and he ran falling on his son’s neck with a full embrace of love and acceptance. All that mattered had just happened – the son came home – the one that was dead was now alive. The other place we see this phrase is with Joseph and his brother’s. We do not see in the father what we expect from one another and believe that God requires before he will embrace us as His children. The father does not say " So you have returned - are you ready to confess your sins against the family and me?" We do not see an inkling of hesitation in the father - -no proving time, no "I'll have to talk to the family about this.". The son’s confession was lost in the joy of the father. Was it even needed?? I say not for the father, just for the son to empty himself. The father’s decision was made in love – he was just waiting on the son to come and receive it. The reception was occurring either way, now the son could enjoy it. The father knew the son's heart because the son did return. It is not in the "staying in obedience" but in the return of the heart. I do not believe the son's heart ever left the father - he would not have returned home if it had. He was a wild one, but a good one. The father threw a party but never lost focus on the other son – the “good” one. He went to that one also and compelled him to enter. He agreed with the elder son that he had been faithful, but still desired the son to demonstrate the greatest obedience to the family - love. He focused on the positive and tried to pass the excitement on. The father focused on the reality, not the past - The one who was dead was alive and at home! I see a father who is no respector of person's: He offered the same to both – all of himself.

A new poem

I wrote this poem today after church. It is about life before and then after an encounter with God as He spoke through the "bushes" of my choices. I have not lived the last stanze, but am trusting God for it. I am actually in the stanza that is in the bold font.

Throughout this life, across this span;
I journey through the life of a sinful man.
My hope is all gone; I need a God with a plan.
Who will give me His strength by the cross where He ran.

All around me is heartache, depression and pain
I sang songs of victory, but never believed what I sang.

I lived a life with blinders, dark as can be;
No ability to remove them – no hope to see.
But deep in my heart a message spoke out to me.
Offering the power of hope if I would only would stop to see.

Dimming images of heartache, depression and pain
Singing louder songs of victory, hoping it is true what I sang.

I have journeyed the mountains and rocky places on high
My life growing weaker, a stronger desire to die.
Shame brought me low, a life of truth turned into a lie.
Still that message of hope grew the more I would cry.

Fewer images of heartache, depression and pain
Continuing to sing songs of victory, holding onto to what others lived as they sang.

I see a bush on fire, burning bright and free
ignited by the Spirit with a message for me.
“I am that I am; what you need I will be!”
I offered excuses, fear tried to make me flee;

Now no images of heartache, depression or pain.
I am embracing the victory found in the songs that I sang.

Crucifixion Poem from February

This is a poem I wrote in mid February 2008.

Is this the pain of crucifixion that I feel ?
It hurts so much – it has to be real.
Fighting on the cross, the wood tears in my arms,
Is self so bad, did it do this much harm?
I cry so hard and fight to be free-
“I will be better – I promise to be!!”

I can see the scene as plain as can be
My Father, the Spirit, my Savior and me.
Standing by the Father I look down on the beams,
The sands of my life are not as they seem.
All were facades, ghostly images of sin,
The lives I destroyed; the places I’ve been;
The souls that I hurt, the damages done,
Though sin seemed it once, it no longer feels fun.
My “self” crying in agony – begging for grace,
My Father turning to me with hope on His face.

He spoke to me as I watched Him through tears
“This has been coming, building for years,
I feel your pain – I understand your fears.
Be easy my son – this is my grace:
Have faith in me - my love brought you to this place.
Forgiveness of sin you have felt this cross bring,
Still this cross is meant to do yet another thing.
The sin you enjoy, the death that it brings
Can only be ended when Self dies on this thing.
Fix your eyes upon me – please do not look away
I promise you son – This is your resurrection day.”

Perfect body, deep blood

Last Sunday CrossPointe celebrated communion. As I took the wafer that represents the body of our Lord and Savior, and the cup of juice that represents His blood my mind went back to the days when as a deacon at FBC I would pass out the wafers and return to the front where I would get one from the plate. As Bill would speak and read the appropriate scriptures I would look at this little wafer and usually notice that the one I had gotten was deformed or broken in some way. And I would take the little cup and I would look at it and note how pale it was and speculate on what kind of juice it was. Now, in all honesty I was contemplating the sins in my life and thanking God for His eternal mercy and grace.

This Sunday though was differant. The ushers at CrossPointe passed out both at the same time. As I looked at the wafer and the juice I observed two things:
1. The wafer (body) was perfect. It was even colored, no chips, cracks or any other imperfections. Even the little seams on the sides were perfect. It had integrity.
2. The juice (blood) was a dark color. So shiny and clean that it made a deep pool in a shallow cup.

As I took the Wafer into my mouth and drank the juice I had an encounter with God that I will not soon forget and I pray that the effects of it will leave me practically changed forever.

I took the perfect body of the Christ into my life and with my will I ground and destroyed it. It left my mouth gummy and bitter. There was no pleasure in the taste or texture. I then took the blood, the deep dark blood and poured it into the very place that had just destroyed the body of the Christ. The blood was sweet and cleansing. It entered every part and removed all bitterness, all gummyness, all evidence of what I had destroyed.

The last 4 years of my life flowed over me. I took the life of the Christ and with my sinful will destroyed and broke it. I ground the perfection from it. God then shared with me reality from His perspective. The blood of that same ONE has cleansed me from all I have done. Their is no bitterness left, no gummed up places. All evidence of my sins have been removed.

My sins were horrible - abuse, neglect, hatred, manipulations, sexual sins. But as God spoke over my life Sunday the blood which cleansed me is sweeter than the sins were horrible.

Thinking About Fish

Today I woke up thinking about Jonah – well more specifically about the fish. I did this because when God woke me up today He seemed to ask me a question: “Shane, when did I make that fish and why?”

To be honest my first response (really just trying to give an answer so I could go back to sleep until it was closer to church time) was a typical “Well you made it then for the purpose of swallowing Jonah and keeping him there until he broke.” The question was answered well enough for most men so I closed my eyes but could not let that “pat” and incorrect answer be mine – God woke me up to teach me not quiz me to find out if Shane knew his bible

For some reason I had always “thought” that the fish was made (created) at that time or maybe just early enough to grow big enough to do its job– but I could not reconcile the six days of creative work that had closed with a seventh day of rest – a Sabbath. And the fish had a greater purpose than to just carry Jonah

The KJV uses the word prepared in speaking of that great fish. In fact God specifically uses that word for four distinct things:A fish, a gourd, a worm, and a vehement east wind.

Jon 1:17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Jon 2:1 Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly,

So here I am at my laptop with Jonah opened on e-sword, and my heart and mind opened up to this lesson from God. I noticed an amazing thing as I read this book with a fresh set of eyes and spirit. This book ends with a question. Only one other book in the bible does that. ANd all four chapters start with a powerful word: Now, Then, And, But.

So here is the summery and my application to this period of my life.

Jonah, at the time of His call to Ninevah was already an established prophet.

God so intimately knew Jonah that His plan already included a fish, two storms, a gourd, a worm, a second call to the mission, a repentant 600,000+ sinners who would repent, and a tremendous question free of rebuke.

I no longer believe in plan “B” there is one way to God, He has one plan for us. We are the ones looking for ways to be righteous or “Christian”, we are the ones trying to be disciples (we either are or we are not), we are the ones judging hearts and failures (both ours and others - isnt it a sin to judge another). We are the ones looking for second chance do-over’s. We are the ones who way to often look for a way out. But God, who is amazingly rich in grace and mercy' has one plan. I still believe in God’s plea for our separation and His desire to fellowship with us. But I more than ever firmly believe that for those who have a heart to love God that His plan is perfect and unmovable. (Think about all the sins of David- lies, manipulation, deciet, adultry, murder - and Im not just talking about Bathsheba. David had an established track record of sins that caused others great harm and loss) We cannot do anything to alter it or even rattle the plan of God it is finished. The bible says the He predestinated all He foreknew to be conformed to the image of His son. God made a decision about Nineveh – that great city. He knew they would repent. He knew Jonah would go. He prepared all things because He desired something: conformed souls.

But God, who is rich in grace and mercy, has prepared many things for my life and those He has called me into. God has all this worked out – always has had it worked out. He knew me from before the foundation of the world. He knew me when he gave me a wife, a daughter, a son, and a call. God, who is rich in grace and mercy, knows the belly of the fish, the stench of the vomit, my journey through life and the final outcome. God has already prepared all that is needed in this process of conforming me into the image of His Son. God is now enjoying the rest of a True Sabbath and I get to enjoy the great question He asked me : “ Shane, don’t you understand that I knew and know and am not worried?”

My life has included so many sins that I never imagined that I would ever commit (remembering now that with whatever judgment I hand out the same will be measured back into my life) that I cannot imagine a full restoration of anything my sin has corrupted. I never imagined a day that my brothers and sisiters in Christ would hate me, call me a manipulating wolf and directly to my face tell me that there is no way I am a child of God. That no man who knows the bible as I do could ever do the things I've done. The most common question :" Didn't you ever struggle with conviction?" Followed closely by "When will you repent and tell me what you have done?" I do not judge those who are and have judged me - 4 months ago I would have cast stones with them. I pray for them because judgement always returns to the judge. I passed those very same judgements on others and it is a spiritual law that it will return to me. I now know the hurt that I saw in their eyes as they were overtaken saints and not wolves. Vaughn I am so sorry for the cuts I placed so deeply in your soul. I confess that I judged you and I am sorry. I did not realize that not only did I judge you but I judged God's word and refused to believe it. How can I call a saint a wolf when I cannot see the heart. And actions are not the heart. We know the heart of all men is wickedly evil above anything else so we should expect sin and be ready to restore - kinda like army medics in a war. Not to drill about what the shot private should have done but to call the wounded by name (doesn't Christ do that?), to encourage them with hope (another Jesus thing), and to give them all the attention they need to survive and thrive (WWJD?). My responsibilty has never been to judge but simply to love and restore - judgement is not required to restore. I think we judge when we lack the grace to forgive without the details. I was so caught up in pushing towards victory and chasing a God that I thought was always moving forward with or with me that I judged others while doing the same thing - sin.

God has taught me the death of judgement and the death it deals to others. God did not judge Jonah - He made preperations. God has made them for me and others. I praise His name for fishes, storms, lot casting sailors, gourds, worms. and winds. Through these God is conforming me. Through these I have been given the gift and grace of repentance from a judgemental spirit

This has been a tough week as I have worked on my essay for Trek. Please continue to pray for all effected by this.

An Update

I have just finished reading one of the most influential and life changing books I have ever had in my hands.

Falling for God – Saying Yes to His Extravagant Proposal (Gary W. Moon)

Ralph – Thank you so much for the recommendation: It has been used mightily by God in His amazing work of reconciliation and union between us (me and Jesus). I cannot wait to move onto the book on being released from shame. I normally speed read everything, but have really taken my time on this one and the Addictive personality. It is also amazing – who told the author about me

Pastor Charles - thank you for the love you have shown and your leadership over a “church of Grace” who always makes me feel welcome and at home.

Pastor Bill – thank you for the counsel you gave me and the encouragement to re-read the book of Daniel with the focus on the kings – I think Shane spelled backwards comes out as Nebuchadnezzar . It took him a few times to get it too.

Vaughn, thank you my brother for the unfailing love you have demonstrated to me when most still walk away when they see me coming. Thank you for your words of testimony about the change you see in my life through my eyes. You caused me to consider Saul of Tarsus – he knew he had been converted from his religion, but it took Barnabas to confirm it. Thank you Barnabas.

I want to share with you guys who are closest to me a quick run down of the past few weeks of my journey with God. First it is more real and emotional than anything I have ever experienced – I can honestly say that I enjoy God now more than ever. Secondly I have let go of fears and needs that I clung to for my entire life – life is so much the better when you do not have to manipulate or control for protection, love, or acceptance: If you have to control or exercise authority over it just let it go – it isn’t worth it

If it doesn’t want to follow – you aren’t supposed to lead it, if it doesn’t love you, don’t try to make it, if it doesn’t accept you for you then you do not need it. Talking about a simple life.

As of June 14th I will be moving onto Pampa where I have accepted a job with National Oilwell. I have spoken with Pastor Charles about joining Crosspointe Church and am excited about the change. It will be a great blessing to be part of a body again.

Next I would like to share with you a portion of the Falling for God book that really shook me and caused me to enter a new and more powerful worship than I have ever experienced. This comes from page 181

The Reconciling Power of the Risen Christ

Picture the scene. The disciples are gathered in the Upper Room where they have retreated in fear and confusion after Jesus was crucified. They are hiding out as a group, collectively shaking , the same way Adam and Eve did after the Fall.

And just as Adam and Eve chose to grasp and hide instead of to trust and approach, so have the disciples, Jesus’ closest friends. At the crucial moment, they reached out and clutched out after their safety. Now they are hiding. Their shame must have been palpable.

Then, despite the locked doors, Jesus stands in their midst, a light in their darkness. And there are His disciples, who symbolize us all after we have made the wrong choices. Adam with his Apple, Gomer with her lover, (Shane with his battered and abused wife) all of us gripping the scripts of the future we are writing for ourselves. There we all are: frightened, alone, drowning in the shame of self-rule, in the embrace of false love.

But the risen Christ breaks through the walls. He has gone to the darkest places and returned for us. He wastes no time, immediately offering simple and direct comfort.

“Peace be with you.”

Peace. Shalom. The tranquil and fear free state of existence partially actualized in Eden. The deepest longing of every human heart, the very air of the kingdom.

Peace. The serenity that can only come when we abandon all separation from God. Forever connectedness with Christ and full participation in the life and love of God. True reconciliation brings shalom. To be within the intimacy of the Father and the Son is what it means to live in shalom.

Imagine what the disciples must have been thinking. We cursed your name and denied we even knew you, and you still love us. We abandoned you to murderers who beat you and tortured you beyond belief, and you have come back to us with presents. We have tried to distance ourselves from you and have locked you out, yet you walk through the door in order to bring us back home. We admit that we can never live the life you have in mind for us, and you say, “No problem, I will live it through you

As we reflect and meditate on the lengths God will go through to offer us reconciliation and to provide us with the strength to live life in a whole new way, we find the will to let go of self-rule and freedom from shame that pushed us into hiding. In defeating death, Christ proved all His promises can come true. He can make us more like Him

Of course the portion in red was my act of betrayal and not detailed in the book. But you may openly share it if you like. As I have learned – things in the dark grow in power until they consume: maybe that is why I have such a crazy fear of vampires??? What is brought in the light is overcome by the Lamb!!

I am now more like Christ than I was ever before. And it did not come through more study, accountability (though I praise God for Pastor Patrick Estrada and his graceful accountability and lessons on true transparency) and praise God that it did not come though self effort. My brothers, it came from accepting God’s proposal and joining Him – not in Christian service but by embracing the wedlock I have had with Him for years.

I would love to tell you of the way God filled my heart with the story of Hosea and Gomer. I was not a harlot, but THE harlot. The King of Glory came and purchased me from within my latest round of “whoring around” and has set me again at His table and loved me with a truly everlasting love.

Know that I love you guys and miss you daily. If you need to get into contact with you will need to use my personal email: w_s_1@yahoo.com

I hope you will respond and at least let me know that you did get this update and if you would like to continue getting them.

Hoping and asking for your continued prayers,

Shane